


Eiffel Tower baguette honhonhon: a Lestat and Armand fanfic

by Bloodstainedcherub, moritzofsuburbia



Category: Vampire Chronicles - Anne Rice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-29 23:21:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3914455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bloodstainedcherub/pseuds/Bloodstainedcherub, https://archiveofourown.org/users/moritzofsuburbia/pseuds/moritzofsuburbia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lestat's romantic Paris vacation plans are ruined by none other than the tiny satan himself, Armand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eiffel Tower baguette honhonhon: a Lestat and Armand fanfic

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably the worst crack fic you will ever read. I swear we weren't drunk when we wrote this

"AH YES WE HAVE REACHED OUR ROMANTIC DESTINATION" Lestat lestated with dramatic hand gestures. He turned to Louis with a lovey dovey I-want-the-d look in his eyes when SUDDENYL he realized. This was not his beloved fire-loving pyromaniac who loved setting many fires. "Who tha fuck are you?"

"Who tha fuck are yyyou?" the not-Louis retorted in the voice of an obnoxious teenager.

"I asked you first."

"I asked you second."

Lestat did not reply and instead yaNKED OFF DA WIG to revel the hair of a bootycelli angel... or what a bootycelli angel's hair would look like if it had been stuffed under a wig for an extended period of time (it was pretty damn funny and you could hear Doughnut Molloy laughing from 4567.227 miles away) AND ALSO THE BEARD AND CLASSY HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHE

"GODDAMN IT YOU TINY SATAN" Lestat declared at ARMAND (it was def Armand) "WHERE IZ LOUIS"

"I told him there was a fire convention in Antarctica so I'm guessing hes there now lol"

"ANTarctica is in the ARTCITCCCt you EVIL GERBIL FROM SATAN'S FIERY AANUS"

"ik but it worked didn'tit?" Armand lolololed.

Stat was inFURRIEATED. his romantic getaway with his megahawt blood spouse Louis had been RUINED by this satanic fuckwad who wouldn't stop lolololing like a little assholey kid who still thought fart jokes were funny. "you bottle of stale mountain dew. Imma bout to STAB YOU WITH A RUSTY SPORK bc you were born to die. And u gonna get so scared u gonna wet ur blue jeans. u think your young and beautiful but ur about to feel dat summertime sadness bc I will push you off the eifel tower and that will make you very sads. but u cant hurt me becus I CAN FLY EHEHEEHEH"

"LEBRAT STAHP TRYNA BE HIPSTER TRASH EVERY1 KNOWS YOUR JUST QUOTING LANA DEL REH SONGS." The crowd around them all nodded solemnly. Lestat's secret of being hipster trash was out. He frantically tried to hide the vintage flower crowns spilling out of his suitcase.

'Armand you uncultured dildo... you've gone too far..."

the snarky redhead just smirked and skipped around the eifel tower at warp speed, confident about having ruined the reputation of Lestat the bratty rat nonfat kitkat. "looks like ive won this round... After all, I am... THE VAMPIRE ARMAND." Glitter exploded from his hair for dramatic effect as onlookers gossiped amongst themselves about how awesome he was.

But hipster trash Lestat was not finished. He gave an evil grin evilly. "The vampire Armand? DOn't you mean.... the vamPIRE HERMAN???" The crowd gasped in French.

 ~~Armand~~ Herman gave a horrified expression aaaand then Lestat POOSHED hell's own saucy temptress off the Eiffel tower and watched him pinwheel through the air like a ferris wheel that's escaped it's metal prison and has gone flying free into the wild to be with the other wild ferris wheels. Lestat flipped his blondy voluminous Rapunzel hair. "that's right you bag of flaccid dicks...bc Lestat is the LeSTAR" and violently strummed an Bon Jovi song on his invisible guitar and then ascended into the heavens and flew away the end


End file.
